If you haven’t read Part 1, you should! 🙂
The orthopedic specialist looked at my x-rays and said that my ankle was “really bad” and told me that an ankle fusion was his recommendation for “young folks” like me. If I was 65, he would recommend an ankle replacement. I cried my eyes out in the Dr’s office that day. All of the sudden, I couldn’t live my best life. I wanted to hike, and surf behind the boat, and all of the sudden I realized I couldn’t even WALK, let alone do those things. I was a mess.
Instantly I was mad about my car accident 17 years earlier. I had never been mad at the SUV driver before. I was surprised at how strong and ferocious my feelings were against her. But, I soon remembered that having anger against something I cannot change was doing nothing for me. I needed to decide what to do. I think the hardest part of committing to ankle surgery was the thought of taking several steps back before I could take any steps forward. I needed to make headway! I had to have faith that I was making the right decision.
But, after trying to lose weight for so long, it’s hard to try anymore.
My patriarchal blessing says, “Your life will not always be strewn with roses,” and I remembered that part of the experience I signed up for by coming to this earth were the trials and pains that come from our physical bodies. My blessing also talks about my “beautiful physical body.” And I had gotten to the point that I didn’t believe those words anymore. I couldn’t. I wanted a do-over. Can I rewind my story and make different choices!?! Obviously that wasn’t going to happen, but I truly wished I could.
I did not want a fused ankle. I told the Dr that and left. He gave me a cortisone shot that hurt like the dickens and told me to come back in 3 months. Dan gave me a priesthood blessing. He promised me to know when the right time was to get surgery, and to have peace. I prayed and I prayed and I prayed for guidance.
The cortisone shot helped some. But, about twoish weeks later, I noticed my limp was worse than ever. Soon after my dr appointment, we were invited to attend an event in New York City. I had never been to the city, and ironically I couldn’t walk very well. So, I went to NYC. Dan came and we had a great time UBERing all over the city since my ankle was messed up.
A miracle happened. I wore tall shoes to one Broadway show since my hotel was less than a block from the doors and soon I realized that I could walk normally with my ankle at that angle. I was walking without a limp for the first time in MONTHS! This is a picture of Dan and I that day:
As soon as I got home from the trip, I took the shoe in my purse into the Dr’s office and asked why I could walk in tall wedges, but I couldn’t walk in tennis shoes.
Instantly I saw the wheels turning in the Dr’s eyes and he looked again at the x-rays. After a few minutes, he presented a different surgery option than the fusion. He said that if he could shave off part of my tibia bone, maybe that would give my ankle some mobility. He would remove the bone spurs and arthritis and see if this surgery could prolong the need for a fusion for another 10 years.
Random sidenote: my neighbor who is also a foot dr looked at my x-rays and told me that it was a good plan.
So I scheduled the surgery for August 20th, 2018 my 37th birthday. After surgery, the first thing that I remember hearing from the Dr’s mouth was, “Your wife’s ankle is messed up.” He didn’t say, “The surgery went well.” Nope. He didn’t.
During recovery, I was well taken care of. My friends and family made dinner, cleaned my house, and people stopped by to visit. It was overwhelming and I felt the love of our Savior through those who surrounded me. I honestly thought that my recovery from surgery wasn’t going to be bad. I thought I would be back to myself in a few weeks, but it turned out that I had to lay on the couch for 5 weeks. I couldn’t even be put into a boot for 5 weeks!?! I had no idea what I was getting myself into. Getting up proved to be extremely tricky and getting to the bathroom myself was impossible at first. I was going BONKERS! Plus, I couldn’t’ drive. Holy crap, how did I not figure this out BEFORE surgery!?!
After a few weeks, the tears were constant. I was worried that the surgery was a bust. I was worried that it was all for nothing, and I was literally sedentary.
Looking back, I learned a lot of valuable lessons from that experience.
- I realized that God takes care of his children in real time. I used to find my self getting anxious about things weeks in advance, and I found that during my surgery, someone would come and fill a need RIGHT as we needed it. We wouldn’t have dinner, and I would have someone offer that day. My son’s birthday was on a day during that time, and I cried when my friend made HIS FAVORITE food and brought it to my house that night. {She didn’t even know it was his favorite, and she didn’t even know it was his birthday}, but I don’t think that was a coincidence. I know God was taking care of us.
- I didn’t spend enough time “just chillin’” with my kids before that. I sat and watched countless movies during those five weeks with my kids, and before that I couldn’t remember that last time I had done that.
- I had gotten too busy. I had let life get completely out of hand and my surgery helped me realize that I needed to slow down. I realized that part of the reason I was gaining weight was that I was too busy. Too busy to care about what we ate, and too busy to change any habits.
- I thought I had complete control over it all. I never realized how obsessed I had gotten about wiping off the kitchen countertops. From my couch where I laid, I could see the countertops perfectly. I was at the exact angle that showed every spec of debris on the countertops. I had to realize that the countertops being dirty were not that big of a deal!
- I realized that I needed this surgery to gain a new perspective and that I was given the opportunity to adjust our lives.
- But, in all of that and the few months after and the holidays, I gained another 30 pounds. GAH.
It’s a vicious cycle. I can’t work out because of the ankle so I gain weight. The weight does absolutely nothing but bad things for the ankle and around and around we go.
Today my ankle is still struggling. But, it’s ok. It has good days and bad days. I know I am not the only one who has had to deal with an injury like this. I felt sorry for myself a lot, and it has helped me look around. I now notice sooooo many people who have limps. There are a lot of people out there who are struggling with one or more of their joints. I know that. My troubles with my ankle are not over. I may need a fusion, or a replacement. But my overweight body is definitely doing it no favors.
The picture on the left is me at my heaviest weight ever.
This is me a few weeks ago.
After the ankle surgery, and discussing a second ankle surgery, I knew my weight HAD to change. It took desperation to convince myself that losing weight was worth trying again, but I think the main lesson I learned on this journey is that I am worth it.
The weight loss has not been easy. It took me examining my life and a lot of prayer to ask for help. But, I’m on the road back to me, and I’m already feeling sooo much better. I hope you feel like you are worth it if you are struggling with your weight. Because I cannot believe how much better I feel.
Thank you for reading and for all of the messages of encouragement. I know that many of you have your own “ankle” challenges in your lives. You are not alone!
xoxo,
Brooke
If you haven’t read Part 1, you should! 🙂 If you are ready to read the next part of this story, check out PART 3 HERE!
No worries with a weight loss plan for you from me. I am older than you I have been slim all my life, and now I’m…NOT slim. I’m an apple and all my weight is in the middle. My feet hurt. We are going on vacation and I am not packing a swimsuit. I get up every morning thinking I’ll do things differently and sometimes, I do, but apparently not enough.
I pray about it but, honestly, half heartedly.
I’m awful. I feel your pain. I hope that you continue to be successful at the weight loss. Maybe it will inspire me.
Thank you for sharing your story with us. The Lord does work in mysterious ways sometimes and it’s so great that you’re able to see the positives throughout this journey that you’re on. I’ll pray for you that you’ll be able to lose the weight necessary not only for your ankle but for your overall good health. You’ve been such an inspiration to so many of us out here with your amazing talents. Stay positive that you’ll be able to heal and move on from this difficult time.
I am going through something similar with my knee and weight. I have been told I will have to have knee replacement surgery down the road, but at 44 I am “too young”. On top of the pain, I get to also deal with ADD, depression and anxiety which is a vicious cycle of forgetfulness, pain, sadness, and fear I can’t seem to break.
I am trying again to better myself, but I am doubtful of any success.
Our stories are very similar. I also was an athlete, had an ankle injury in HS. Had 4 kids, put on weight. 8 years ago was at VB, someone came over and crushed my ankle. Had to have total reconstructive surgery. Waited 1.5 years to get it done. Put on a lot of weight bc couldn’t work out (that was obviously my mindset).
But here is what I know to be true (tried a lot of ways to lose weight too), what and when we eat makes us overweight.. Exercise plays such a small role in losing weight. I used to convince myself that exercising would make me lose it but it’s food. Why I eat, what I eat and when.
With that being said, there is a horrible feeling to once been very active and then feeling like you cannot do anything. After my surgery, doctor said I wouldn’t be able to run, play side to side sports, ski, etc. So, I lift weights. I have a trainer who knows my restrictions and I’m having a blast doing it. PS: still play some side to side sports!
God knows what you need and what you desire. He’s got big plans for you. Focus on God’s promises spoken over your life and not the provisions. Sometimes His path looks different than ours, BUT His promise is still fulfilled.
Last, surround yourself with people who build you up, who will support you as well as be honest with you.
I’ve followed you for years, and have always thought you were beautiful, talented, and fun. I’m sorry you are going through this. Chronic injuries are so discouraging, especially when they compound other health issues. Good luck, and I hope you meet all of your goals! I’m so glad you have your amazing family behind you- that makes all the difference!
Girl, I have just started following you and you are speaking to my heart! I will be praying for you and your journey.
Keep it up girl! The road is tough but you can do it. I suffered from stress fractures and real fractures (horse stepping on my foot) for about a year. So I understand about wanting to exercise but you just can’t. I tried a bunch of different diets too. Now I’m just trying to get myself to exercise and eat better. Small steps are better than no steps.
So beautiful! I feel every bit of your pain and frustration! I too have a little limp and it was very hard to accept. Please be ever so patient with yourself, you are so beautiful and talented. Sending love and prayers your way and hoping this will be a fabulous summer for you and your family!!
So inspiring Brooke!! I love the raw truth in this 🙂 I hope your ankle and body continue to recover .. what a tough ordeal but I love that you found the good in it too ?
I have loved reading your story! Thanks for putting yourself out there and sharing your story with us! You are an incredible person! Good luck with your ankle and your future weight loss! You can do this!
ps-I went to high school with Dan 🙂
Thank you for this story! I am set to have hernia surgery in a few weeks and due to weight I also worry.
I keep hearing that General Conference is going to address the Word of Wisdom and give a better understanding. I think it’s because we all forget- this is our ONE body. We can fix a house, a car, a broken heart. But we can’t get a new body.
Good luck! I feel ya. I am so worried about the recovery and how I’ll handle not controlling life.
your beautiful in and out! Congrats on you feeling better??
Good luck to you and many prayers. I had my fusion a few years ago and it was the best choice for me. I still have pain but nothing like before. I am mildly limited in mobility. I cant run well but I didn’t run before. It is difficult to come to terms with and there were many tears shed and sleepless nights but it is better every day that I can still walk.
Best of all in all your efforts. You can do this. Hang in there and slowly work your goals in.
I have enjoyed your blog for years and admire your strengths. You can not give up–you just have to keep going. That is what I tell myself everyday.
Brook- you are beautiful and an inspiration, regardless of what your pant size is. I have always looked up to you, from the minute that I met you at SUU and look forward to seeing your results from this lifestyle change. I am proud of you for your willingness to fight this battle publicly. It takes real courage to do that. Keep up the great work!
Amanda
Wow! What a journey! I am going to be getting a meniscus tear repaired in a couple of weeks and i was pity partying my way there. Not anymore! I too have some extra pounds to lose. It’s been hard as a menopausal women to get those stubborn pounds to move! But i know it will be worth it in the end. I have been listening to a women who has lost 100 pounds and has kept it off for 15 years. Her name is Corinne Crabtree and her podcast is Phit or Phat. She is a no bullsh** kind of gal. What she says has resonated with me like no one else has. She says you must enjoy the journey of weight loss or you won’t continue. Her language is kinda foul. I’ve gotten past that becauss iof the valuable message and info she gives out each week. Give her a listen. Cheering you on from Cali!
I broke two bones in my ankle last April and it feels like a never ending struggle. I saw a comment online that this was a “horrible club to be in” and that couldn’t be more true. You are not alone in your struggles!
This was me today at 63l Hating the man who hit me 17 years ago”, I need a fusion and feel like that is a long time to recover at my age . I struggle wit wt and sadness , Never stop moving , Go to a pool and work out , I started power aerobics in water , I will keep you posted , Thank you for this , We are not alone in our pain ever
Thank you Deb! I’m so sorry you are experiencing this too!