PART 3: How did I lose over 80 lbs? Journey back to me.

My weight is not easy for me to talk about. I don’t think it’s easy for 9 out of 10 people, am I right? But, I will tell you that I am blown away by the encouraging messages that I have gotten after my Part 1 and Part 2 of my “journey back to me” posts that went live in the last few weeks. Thank you. 

A lot of the messages that I received were similar. They said, “I never once thought you needed to lose weight.” I guess that’s where the magic of the internet can camouflage real life. After I gained more weight after ankle surgery, I weighed nearly 300 pounds. My BMI was over 48. Did I really just share that with the world? Yep, I guess I did. I never saw the 3__ __ on the scale, but I was pretty dang close.  I was just good at hiding my double chins by holding the camera at a flattering angle. 

The crazy thing is that I feel like I need to prove it, so here you go. Here’s the proof. This picture was taken January 18, 2019.  I had recently gained 30 pounds after ankle surgery and the holidays didn’t help either. 

Unfortunately, I have learned to push my thoughts about my weight deep deep down. Maybe I didn’t want to deal with it, or maybe I just couldn’t. But, what I’ve known for awhile now is that my weight was the first thing that I thought about in almost every instance. 

I was recently contacted by the Rachel Ray show, in the back of my mind……my weight.

This summer is my 20th high school reunion {yes I’m old}…..in the back of my mind…..my weight. 

My husband and I were asked to be in charge of our Stake Trek this summer….in the back of my mind…my weight AND of course my ankle. 

Every.single.thing…..in the back of my mind….my FREAKING weight. 

I felt completely hopeless. I felt unhealthy. I felt depressed. Especially when I let myself dwell on it. So for years and years, I didn’t dwell on it.

I couldn’t let it IMPACT MY HAPPINESS! So, I ignored it for awhile, and I tried to convince myself that I was ok no matter what my size was. I wrote down my deepest darkest whys. The reasons why I wanted to lose weight. 

My WHYs {written September 2017}

Because I want it so bad. 

Because I know deep down that I deserve to be happy. 

Because I want my husband to not be embarrassed by my size. He’s never said that he is, but I feel like he should be, so for me that’s enough to convince myself that he is. 

Because my size affects my confidence in a negative way. 

Because I have a double chin.

Because I don’t associate my current body with “me” because it doesn’t look like “me” anymore when I see myself in pictures or videos.  

Because I want to go on hikes {specifically Angels Landing in Zion which is only 40 minutes away}, but I’m afraid I won’t make it.

Because I convince myself people aren’t genuine when they give me compliments because I feel like I don’t deserve them.

Because I don’t like feeling jealousy and animosity towards “skinny people.” They don’t deserve for me to be mad at them, but I still am. 

Because I don’t like getting dressed or shopping for clothes anymore, and this used to be a fun thing for me.

Because we spend so much time at the lake, and I secretly want to be able to surf and ski like my family. But I am scared I won’t be able to do it at my current state. And I am embarrassed that life jackets don’t fit me.

Because I’m tired a lot.

Because the word “fat” zings me. When someone uses that word {even when they are talking about someone or something completely unrelated to me} it kind of hurts my feelings. 

Because I used to feel “athletic” but I haven’t felt that for a really long time. 

Even reading those whys today are really hard. I still don’t know if I will ever be able to hike angels landing at Zions. I still don’t know if I will ever feel athletic again. But, I knew I had to try, try for reals this time. 

I turned to God. I prayed and prayed and prayed. I knew I needed help. The type of help that only my Heavenly Father could give me. I knew that satan had found the thing for me. He had completely engulfed my thoughts with insecurities. 

“If men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them” (Ether 12:27).

I had been battling this weakness for so long that I had a hard time believing that I could EVER become strong in this aspect of life. I had confidence in other parts of my life, but this one was a doozy. My weight felt completely out of control. The scale went up almost all of the time. If it stayed the same, it felt like I was winning. Even though, staying the same at nearly 300 pounds was NOT winning. 

I could eat so much and I didn’t feel guilty anymore. It didn’t make me sick. I ate to reward myself. I ate to mourn. I ate to celebrate. I snacked when I was bored. I snacked before bed. I drank soda to deal with anxious days. But, I didn’t even realize how bad it had gotten until I was nearly 300 pounds, when my physical body could hardly walk.  As I had described in Part 1 and Part 2,  I had a significant limp.

I had tried everything that I could do. I believe with all that is inside me that I no longer had the ability to reverse the damage on my own. For the past eight years, I had gone on a train of dieting disaster. I would be adamant for two-four months at a time to lose weight, but after that, I would fall off the band wagon and gain the weight back at a frightening speed. My metabolism was shot. 

Now, don’t get me wrong. I was happy. Mostly. I was enjoying my life, and I was trying my hardest. I recognize that. But there came a point that it started to impact me, and I finally felt something inside me change. I felt myself SCREAM, BEG, and PLEAD for help.  I was sick and tired of it all. I was ready. 

That day I sent a message to a friend who had recently lost a ton of weight and I didn’t know if she would feel comfortable discussing it with me. THAT VERY DAY, her doctor was in town doing a seminar. I don’t think that was a coincidence. I went to the seminar and that started me on a path of research. 

Please continue reading Part 4 HERE!